Life is about balance. I’ve struggled with finding balance for quite some time. Ten years at the very least, if not longer. Finding that happy medium where all aspects of life fall into place and create a level lifestyle has been eluding me. Especially this last year and change. It doesn’t have to be perfect nirvana bliss. Just the right mix to be the person God wants me to be. Happy, healthy, wealthy, and wise I guess.

I’m not complaining in any way, shape, or form about my life. I truly live a life second to none. I can honestly say in looking back at my almost 48 years on this earth that I wouldn’t want to trade places with anyone. I wouldn’t trade my journey’s past, present, or future. I’m honestly living the life that I was meant to live. Good, bad, and ugly. I’ll take it. I got sober for a reason, and it’s been beyond my wildest expectations, dreams, mistakes, and whatever else.

That being written, I can’t find my place RIGHT NOW. I’m stuck. I’m off balance. Out of sorts. Lost. One step forward, two steps back. However you define it. I don’t know what to do with myself professionally . I truly don’t. I want to cover hockey. I took on student loan debt to achieve this goal. I can’t quit. I can’t give up on my dream, or give up on myself.

I got fired from the T over five years ago. I was ok with it. It sucked but I had a plan. I was back in college to get my degree and was going to write about ice hockey for a living. I was doing it, I just wasn’t getting paid. But that “internship” (as I looked at it) got old last season. I lost the spark. I was tired of going to rinks and spending time away from my family for writing experience or making connections, etc. I needed to make money, I still need to! And believe me I know it’s not a lucrative occupation, but I want it. My wife, Katie, has been tremendously patient, supportive, and believes in me. She sees what it can be even when I don’t. I’m beyond thankful for that. I want to reward her for her faith in me.

I still want to write about hockey but I can’t bring myself to go to games. Even recently, North Dakota was at Boston University and this series was what rekindled my love of college hockey a decade ago. I had no desire to go, but back then I chased it. I put it all together and was living it. But I lost the fire. On multiple occasions I drove over 10+ hours one-way to catch a game. Now, the thought of trekking into Allston/Brighton to catch that BU game, dealing w/ City Sq. before a Bruins game, or a four hour round-trip to Amherst to catch my Minutemen, has all become meh. Even watching the game on TV hits me different now. That feeling that I should be doing something when I’m not. Maybe it’s regret. I don’t know.

I’ve applied for multiple jobs over the course of the last few years. Journalism jobs, public works jobs, and god knows what else. I don’t want to drive a bus at some local company. I don’t want to go back to swinging a hammer and getting screamed at in broken English by Italian or Portuguese foremen. I’ve put in my time. I don’t know what the fuck I want, but I do know what I don’t want. 9-5, a 45+ minute commute, a cubicle, coupled w/ doing something unfulfilling for 40+ hours a week.

If it’s not one thing it’s another. I know that’s pretty much everyone’s experience with life. I don’t go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings like I should. I go to the gym plenty of times a week, but I’m eating like crap again. I work on one thing about myself to see another thing fall by the wayside. Hence the balance… But now, I’m just stuck. I have more free time than I need and I do shit with it. Zero. It’s pathetic. I can go to Bruins practices. Write a book. Walk my dog. I do fuck-all. Laundry, dishes, vacuum, and nap. That’s obviously not good for my mental well-being. In some ways the pandemic and the lockdown helped. It showed what’s important and what isn’t. I’m tired of it now. But I can’t get out of my own way.

I go on social media, which I know, I know, I know, (I KNOW!) is phony but I see people writing the stories I know I can write, taking the pics I can take, or making the videos I can do. All these thoughts and ideas that I had and just let pass me by because of complacency, laziness, or whatever. I’m not crying over spilt milk. I can still do whatever I set out to do. I may be a lot of things but diffident I am not.

It’s time to put up or shut up. I’ve said it multiple times, Katie can, and will, attest to that. I’m writing this to hold myself accountable. I’m going to post it on my PuckingOff site and link it to my X and Facebook accounts so it’s out there in the universe motivating me to succeed.

I just needed to vent and put it out there. I’m calling myself out. I need direction, a push, or whatever. I’ve prayed on it enough and asked for signs. Shit, once I asked for a sign and that day’s Wordle was “WRITE.”

I love that I’ve been able to spend time at home with my kids but they’re teen-aged girls and a young man now. It’s now or never. And I want to be able to say I tried, at the very least.